I sit here in front of my keyboard with the urge to write stuff down, but I don't really know what to write down. It's just random scrambled craziness sloshing around in my head and I don't even know where to start. I'm not sure there is even anything to write about. There is not just one thing that has happened to me recently that I feel the need to go on about.
So, here it goes...whatever comes out I guess.
I feel restless-I think it's partially due to homesickness. It's that time of year where I am ready to go home. I want Christmas to be here. I want snow and Christmas trees and carols.
But, before any of that can happen-I have to write three papers...three poorly formulated papers I might add; present one huge presentation and go to s swim competition that I probably can't afford. We have these mandatory swim meets that we have to pay for out of own pockets, which was fine when I was federally funded, but I have lost that funding and I don't know where I am going to get the money from. The meet offers the opportunity to make the time standards to get that funding back, but that is huge pressure. I am frustrated because I have won my country 2 silver and 2 gold medals at the Para Pan-Am games in Brazil this summer and it wasn't enough to get the financial support I need.
I owe my roommates money because they have been buying groceries. If it weren't for them I'm not sure I would be able to eat.
Jetta seems to be slowing down-I think she sense my stress and plus it's winter, but I get frustrated with her faster. I don't mean to. It's not her fault that I am dealing with all of this crap from the swimming world. Sometimes I feel like she wants to retire. I think she is sick of going to the pool and to classes and nowhere else, but I don't have time or energy to go anywhere else. I try to take her for walks-just the two of us, but sometimes after a really hard practice I just don't have the energy.
The essays are scaring me because I have no motivation to write them at all. I just want this school year over so I can graduate and get out of here. I have had enough of sociology for now. It's a really heavy topic and after talking about the world's inevitable end gets tiresome after a while. The problem is these papers have to be done so I can actually graduate.
Back to the money thing-I have no money to get my parents Christmas presents. I know they don't expect anything, but I want to give them something. I love giving people presents. I love their reactions and I just think, not necessarily the price tag, but the thought I put into the gift make it more special. Maybe I'll have to be creative and come up with something.
And then there's next year. Will make the Paralympic team? Will I perform well at the Games if I do make the team? How will find a place to live in a new city when I am in China?
Not to mention, the head coach of Swim Canada's disabled swim team has finally said that he thinks that I am the same as the other completely male swimmer on the team. The man is an idiot. The other swimmer lives at home, gets driven to practice, has his dad tap and coach him, has his mom and dad take of his meals and other such things. I am here, paying my own rent, finding my own tappers/coaches, paying for everything on my own. It's no wonder I swim slower than he does. I have to expend more energy in more areas than he has to. It's disgusting! The head coach also thinks it's stupid that I got Jetta one year instead of going to a World championship. Um, hello! If it weren't for Jetta I wouldn't get to the pool now. I had to make a decision. It was a difficult decision, but I did what I thought would beneficial in the long term. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't try to get it. He makes assumptions and doesn’t' bother to get to know his athletes or care about what they have to say or how their lives are lived. We all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences. I come from a low socio-economic background, my parents don't have money to give to me for swimming. The other swimmer comes from a higher socio-economic background-his father is a doctor for fuck sakes! He has more resources at his disposal if he ever needed them.
I don’t' know what else to say. I can't find words strong enough to explain my anger and frustration at the coach. He is so ignorant an he has no excuse. He has been coaching the Swimmers' with a disability swim team for fat least four years now...a little more than that. He's never showed empathy toward me. he has never told me that I am a good swimmer-he just harps on what I do wrong all of the time. I'm sick of it. I have thought about quitting so often lately, but if I do then he wins...but then if I make the team and do well, he gets all of the credit and still wins. It's a huge game for him. He makes me so angry I become inarticulate. That pisses me off even more.
I think I am done now...I will go to bed now and try to sleep.