Monday, November 20, 2006

One of the Strangest Nights of My Life

Well, it's official...my life is fucked up!!! This time, in a great way. :)
So, as I've mentioned previously Christena's mom came to visit us this past week. She left Saturday morning, but before I get there, I must talk about Friday.
Friday Carmen, Tenie, Mommy Lois, Ashley, Medley, Jetta and I headed to the mall. We spent the greater part of Friday evening there-just mostly window shopping. I happened to find a purple dress I fell in love with-and looked awesome in, I might add-but decided against purchasing it as it was too expensive. Mommy Lois dropped it over my shoulder in a bag asking me, "did you forget something back in that store?" I couldn't believe she had bought it for me. We also made a stop at the Body Shop where Carmen and Ashley bought yummy smelling things and then we all headed home. (This was the VERY short version of our shopping trip). On the way home, Mommy Lois called up one of our friends-who I will call Mr. J for this entry for confidentiality purposes-and he asked us to go out with him. It took me a million tries, but I finally settled on a red tank top and a pair of black pants and heels. (I was having a "hating my wardrobe" day). He showed up at our house around 11:30 ready to go to the "club." He and Lois threw backa couple of glasses of wine-two to be precise-and Christena drove us to the club. Half way there, Mr. J's partner phoned and we convinced him to come with us. (We'll call him Mr. M). Mr. M was supposed to drive home that night, but since it was Lois's last night in Waterloo he decided to come too. Tenie pulled a U-turn and we drove to get him. It was pretty funny because she had turned around even before he had agreed to come-we just coaxed...coerced him a bit. :)
After picking Mr. M up, we headed back to the bar. Upon arriving, he realized that he forgotten his ID. We were worried he would get turned away at the door, but the bouncer let him through. It might have been because we had Tenie's mom with us-either that or it's because J and M are frequent visitors at that particular club. We spent the rest of the night drinking and dancing-and for the first time in our entire lives, Christena and I saw Lois drunk. I nearly died from oxygen deprivation from laughing. She is sooooo funny when she's drunk! When she is sober, she is this loud, bossy lovely woman, but when she's drunk...well, she's even louder, even bossier and actually dances. :) (I love her)!
Not to mention,Lois kept feeding me drinks. As soon as my cup was empty, she'd get Christena to get a new one. I tried to sip slowly, but she threatened to dump it down my shirt-which she would so do! Secondly, the shooter guy was convinced Tenie and I were "dikes" and so he took Lois over to the manager to have a chat. Apparently the manager loves it when parents are supportive of their children's sexuality. Not only did she talk to the manager of the bar, but she was given a free drink. (Now we're up to drink number five for Lois and counting). One of the funniest things was that Tenie got more compliments on how "great" her boobs were at this gay bar than she has at a straight bar. We've decided it's because gay men are less inhibited than straight men and actually say what they mean.
Tenie and I danced quite a bit and Mr. J often joined us. Mr. M and Lois tended to groove on the sidelines. At one point one guy came up and put his arms around me and Tenie. I thought it was Mr. J and so said way too cheerfully, "Hi!" He just continued dancing and replied with "Woo!" I must admit I was pretty embarrassed when Tenie informed me that it was not our friend, but a complete stranger. Oh well, I just made a new friend I guess. :) The night continued from there with Lois polishing off a total of nine drinks-pretty impressive for a 42 year old, five foot two mother of two. We closed the bar down and then drove Mr. M and Mr. J home. The very drunk Lois demanded we stop at Mcdonald's and so we pulled into the extremely long line and waited in the drive through for almost a half an hour. Lois kept making crazy jokes, sticking her stinky sweaty feet up beside me and Christena and telling us she loved us. At one point she declaired that "Christena, you're my best friend." When I protested that Tenie was my best friend, she replied "fuck off. I had her first." I tried to explain that Tenie came from her womb, but she still figured she had first dibs.
While we were waiting we had great entertainment that came from outside of the car. Some frat boy was dancing on the roof of his friend's car. His friends were cheering and honking their horns for him. After a while I decided it was time for us to see if he was all talk and no action. So, I rolled down my widnow and hung out by my waist and yelled "take it all off." His face dropped and he jumped to the ground hustling his ass back in the car. The three of us nearly pissed ourselves laughing. Lois was very disappointed and swore bitterly at him because he was "a ballless bastard." she also said, "that we needed to see some ass," and that I "should show him my ass and then maybe he'd drop his pants." (She's drunk remember)?
Finally we got our food and when we were pulling out, we saw Mr. J and Mr. M pulling up to get a "four o'clock in the morning" snack. They told us to wait for them and we'd have a picnic/dinner date in the parking lot. As we drove away to the meeting spot, Mr. J pretended that he was "pleasuring" Mr. M. We laughed hysterically, but as we rounded the corner to the parking lot, I realized I needed more food so we drove up to them where they were waiting in line...and oops, they weren't kidding. Mr. M nearly died of embarrassment, but Tenie and I just said, "We want a cheese burger and a diet Coke." He was so red, but for some reason it really didn't phase us-in fact, we sat in the parking lot and laughed until they joined us. His facial expression when he saw us pull up again was priceless.
After we scarfed our food down-dancing works up your appetite you know-the three of us drove back to our house and told Carmen the entire story. It was 5:30 in the morning when our heads finally hit the pillows. It was one of the most fucked up nights of my entire life-going to a gay bar with my best friend's mom; who promptly gets "shmammered," according to her; get classified as a "dike," where upon Lois said, in her drunken stooper "I support your dikiness," (picture with slurring drunkenness); we catch our two friends going at it in the Mcdonald's drive through line; and then go to bed when I am normally getting up for practice.
Now, how many people can say they have done that?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh how i love mommy lois. wish i coulda been there with y'all... haha
lets hope next weekend goes good...
xoxx ~L

Jess and Jetta said...

Keeping our fingers crossed.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, if someone thought one of my parents was being supportive of my alternative sexuality, I'd have played with that so much. I'm so amused. (I'll have to harass J and M the next time I see them.)

Ashley

Jess and Jetta said...

No kidding! We had a lot of fun-I even put my arm around Christena just to mess around with it. lol

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