*****WARNING: Long ramble ahead!
This morning was one of those mornings where I realised just why I love the mornings. It was one of those mornings that reminded me that I need to slow down and "smell the roses," so to speak and that yes, school deadlines are important, but so is enjoying life. It was one of those mornings that grounded me somehow and I'm not really sure why. It really wasn't much different than the last few mornings, but something clicked in my brain that made me literally stand still for about five minutes just letting Hermione and Otis sniff about. With having my dissertation proposal due and a lot of other school related assignments, I've been in this whirlwind that may be, in part, self inflicted. It's like I saw deadlines and everything else around me ceased to exist. I was just going through the motions of taking the dogs out, feeding them, cleaning the flat, eating my own meals, without even really noticing I was even doing those things. I would time myself outside with the puppies an as soon as it hit fifteen minutes, I'd usher them back inside only to sink into the couch, Laptop on my knees, headphones on and completely deaf and blind to the world around me. Perhaps it wasn't quite that exaggerated, but something about this morning flicked a switch. I think I even enjoyed my coffee this morning, something that hasn't really been happening recently.
This morning I made my coffee, enjoying its aroma and dumped some cinnamon into the mug for some added flavor. I sat and sipped it while I slowly worked away at an assignment, but actually tasted it today. The last couple of mornings I think I've just opened my mouth and poured.
I was up early this morning, not having a full night's sleep because of my brain being on over drive. I'd sleep, but I think I was writing essays in my dreams. I woke up and laid in bed for over an hour, but realised that it was no use-I wasn't going to turn my brain off which meant I certainly wasn't going back to sleep. I roused the dogs from their sleeping positions, threw some clothes on over my jammies and leashed up Hermione and Otis. I always take them out together. It's a habit from when I was trying to house train Otis. If he watched Hermione do her business outside, then he'd get the hint. I think it worked because he's probably been the easiest puppy to house train that we've had.
I wandered outside, still groggy and not really paying complete attention to my surroundings. It's a state I've been in for about a week now-just paying attention enough to make sure I'm safe, but my brain is hashing out plans and figuring out problems. For some reason though, as Otis stopped to pee on the sidewalk (he must have really had to go), I sort of came out of my university paper writing induced haze and started smelling the air and actually listening to the birds singing. It was just after six so the street was absolutely quiet except for the birds and the very far off hum of traffic. When Otis had finished, instead of rushing down to the cycling trail and timing how long I was outside, I meandered slowly down the sidewalk, down the hill and on to the trail. At the bottom of the hill I stopped and extended the dogs' leashes and just stood still. A bike past me, but instead of the usual irritation that has filled me at the passing of cyclists in the last week, I hardly noticed. It was a bit cool out, but the air was fresh and clean smelling. I'm not sure if the sun was coming up, or shining, but at that moment it didn't really matter.
The birds really have been chirping away for about two weeks now, letting us know spring is here, but I've hardly noticed. This morning though, I was amazed to hear so many different songs in such a small radius. How had I missed this? I've always been a big proponent of "enjoy the small things in life," but somewhere in the last couple of weeks I have completely been oblivious.
I've been so worried about my upcoming and past deadlines, what's going to happen if the university doesn't accept my proposal, what I'm going to do with myself after graduation from the program, that I've sort of forgotten to live in the "now" of things.
Mr. K and I have had a lot of conversations as of late with regards to what my future plans are. I've been all over the place trying to figure out what I'm going to do. He keeps telling me to do what will make me happy; a very sweet and admirable thing for him to say. But, I've been torn between these two sides of myself. I have this vision of myself from when I first started university back in 2002. I was going to be some kind of successful career woman, who could support herself-I was going to make it on my own. I was going to have some kind of job where I wore professional clothes and most likely trotted around in high heels every day. (We all know about my affinity for pretty shoes right)? That was part of the reason why I never wanted children.
Then, there's the other side of me who wears destroyed sneakers and muddy jeans to walk her dogs. The side of me who loves the country side and the outdoors. This side of me has suddenly found enjoyment in baking dog treats and now even human cakes/cookies. Don't get me wrong, I'm still definitely not good at being a "stay at home" anything-I get itchy feet too easily-but it's the side of me who doesn't need glitz and glamor This is the side of me who thinks I want to be a dog breeder. I've known for a long time, and probably everyone else who reads this blog, that I love animals; especially dogs. As a part of my dissertation proposal I wrote an introduction based on the domesticated dog's history and its connection to humans. It was probably the easiest 1,000 words I've ever written. I've also, somehow, kept up this blog-for the most part-I love writing. I've tried to figure out some way to combine the two, but I'm stuck. Mr. K says I should write a book. I could, but about what? My life with dogs? My life as a blind swimmer/person/with dogs? Not my life at all? Life in general? And, would anyone read it?!
Mr. K says he doesn't care what I do as long as we break even and I'm happy. I think I'm a pretty lucky woman in that respect-actually, an incredibly lucky woman. But, the slightly radical, Sociology major who has a minor in Women's Studies, comes back out and I want to be a financially contributing member to my family; however small it may be. However, the birds brought me back to my "now" and I found some comfort in knowing that even if I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, breaking glasses and cutting my hand because I'm in too much of a hurry, the birds will keep singing and my husband will keep telling me to slow down. With all of these doubts and confusion there is one thing I know for sure: in today's society, I don't need to make it on my own. I have the support of a loving person who wants to see me happy and successful in whatever I choose to do, and for the "now" moment, that is enough.