Saturday, February 03, 2007

"Waiting on the world to change"

What is it about this time of year that always makes me feel so restless? February always seems to go so slowly and it's the shortest month of the year! There are so many things swimming around in my head right now-most of which are problems I have no control over. I think I hate that the most. I'd rather be able to do something about things-have a definite plan of action, but instead, I'm here just writing them down so that my head doesn't implode.
First of all, why is it that it is nearly impossible for me to get people to take me seriously? I know I like to laugh and I'm usually the outgoing, positive one, but sometimes it would be nice for people to take what I say and place some value in it. If my friends can't even take me seriously, then why would strangers? It's like my friends think I'm the sweet, emotional one and this means anything I try to say is worthless. The only time they believe me is when it comes to health issues and athletic stuff. Just because swimming is a huge part of my life does not mean that I only know swimming or anything athletic. Last night, when we went shopping, Carmen asked me about running shoes for the gym, which was nice that she finally respected my opinion about something enough to listen to me, but this seems to be the only time. People seem to think that my rants about environmental activism or social issues are just that, rants. They don't think I make any valid points and if I do, they are lost in the "there goes Jess again" mentality. There's no respect. One of my other friends is a Sociology major along with me and whenever she opens her mouth and spews out the same shit I do, they sit up and listen-they think it's a more serious issue. It's frustrating. Usuallly when I tell them about Sociology stuff, I try to change the language so that they understand what I am saying. I filter out sociology specific words so that they know what I am talking about, but that just seems to decrease the conversation's validity. This has been an issue for a long while, but for some reason today it's bothering me.
Secondly-and perhaps this has ties to my first complaint-guys seem to think that I am a brainless piece of ass. They think they can manipulate me and use me for their means. Perhaps I am too trusting, but that does not mean that I do not catch on to their ill-intentioned plans. One of my friends has decided he likes me. He's liked practically every single one of my other friends, but for some reason he is now stuck on me-stuck on me longer than the others. He tries to convince me, every chance he gets, to go out with him and that I like him back. He implied that I'm smart enough, but not too smart and he likes my body. Yay for him! Again, just because I am an athlete does not mean that everything about me revolves around physicality. I want a guy to appreciate me for me. To take me for everything that I am-the entire package not just the aspects he has decided suits his needs. Sure I am positive and cheerful, but I have my dark days and I need someone who will be able to hold me up on those days. People seem to think that I can stand on my own two feet all of the time and since I am the one who looks after them I don't need looking after. That is great, but sometimes I can't pick up your pieces and put you back together. Sometimes I need someone to put me back together, but people don't seem to recognise that. I am always just giving and rarely does anyone ever recognise that and try to give back to me. I grow tired and my energy leaves my body and I feel my inner self being covered by a heavy sludge, slowly shutting down because it can't take it anymore. Most guys I meet have decided that I can look after them-that I can put them back together. Granted, I am nurturing, but sometimes I need to be nurtured. I want someone to take my good with my bad, my dark with my light and to know that I do hurt. I can be the silly girl who asks you to step out of your comfort zone and enjoy life, but I'm not always the rock you can stand upon.
This doesn't just go for the men in my life, but my friends too. Quite often, I let my friends pick the movie, what we're eating, what outing we're going on because if I suggest anything they just say no. (I think I am talking specifically about my roommates here). I'm a social person and it seems like if I don't agree to do what they want to do, I get stuck doing nothing. For example, tonight we're going to the Archaeology formal, which I am definitely looking forward to. Problem is, I had asked them to go to Charity Ball last year and we agreed that this year we'd do both formals. Tenie informed me yesterday that we're just going to one and that it's the Archaeology formal. I'm not in Archaeology. I don't know half the people that are going to be there, but Christena and Carmen do. It's their element, so we're going. This happens all of the time. Next weekend there is a concert I thought would be fun to go and see, but neither of them seem very keen even though I know Tenie likes that kind of music. She just keeps saying that she'll think about it. It's less than a week away-I don't thin she'll be coming. When we went to go see Greenday, I had to twist her arm and practically make all of the plans to get her to go, but now whenever she talks about it it's like it was her idea and it was the best thing ever.
Thirdly, I'm frustrated by all of the bureaucratic crap that seems to congest my life. I know that this shit will always frustrate every day tasks, but sometimes I just wish things could happen without incident. Some days I could care less, but then there are others, like today, where it just gets under my skin and I want to start a revolt. ODSP decided that Jetta expired the other day and so pulled her off of my cheque without informing me. I receive the ODSP receipts in the mail and they're in print, so of course I don't read them. Carmen happened to be scanning the latest one and noticed that the amount of money that had been deposited was smaller than normal. I phoned the office and they informed me that they didn't know if Jetta still existed or not. I told them that was fine, but instead of assuming, next time perhaps they should inform me. The woman was quite rude and cut me off and forwarded my call onto another person. I got a hold of my vet and everything was straightened out, but it's annoying that every time I turn around I have to deal with the government screwing up. This has recently happened to another guide dog user I know, so I am certain that the system is extremely flawed. Another ironic thing that happened was that I received a scholarship from the School for the blind. Not that I am not grateful for this money, because I most certainly am, but the letter of congratulations they sent me was in print. This seems very rediculous to me. If you have access to a braille embosser and you are sending a letter to a blind person, would it not make sense to braille it? It's just little things. Why do I always have to conform to the sighted world? Yes, I live in one. I also live in a heterosexual, white, able-bodied world, but that doesn't stop other minority groups from speaking out. So why should I have to remain quiet?

2 comments:

Malcolm said...

Jess:

Just to let you know you are not alone in struggling with ODSP. I attempted to send you an email to your address but it bounced :-(

For more information on online ODSP recipient assistance please visit my web page at: http://home.cogeco.ca/~mmdilts

Anonymous said...

*hugz*
im sorry, i probably fall into the "twist your arm to do anything" category
i hope you like your new layout!
love always, lindsay