Monday, April 24, 2006
Life's Possibilities: Fragments From Jess's Busy Mind
I should be sleeping: I have swim practice tomorrow morning and I have to wake up at 5 A.M., but for some reason I just can't sleep. My brain is running in circles-more like twisty loops that inter-connect then drift in tangled patterns away from one another. I should be relieved, exams are over. I am free for the next little while-well, at least until summer school starts. I've talked about my "itchy feet" before and I am not sure if I am experiencing this phenomenon, or if I just need a break from Waterloo. But, I feel trapped-like I am living in a concrete cage. I can feel the sky, I know it's there, but the sea of pavement just keeps going in an endless, perfectly smooth sheet. It feels like the sun is blocked out by buildings;massive walls keeping me down. I feel like a bird who has had their wings clipped-a shell of a body that is breathing, talking, eating and sleeping, but not feeling. Just going through the motions-slipping silently by unnoticed. Well, noticed as a body, a body walking with a guide dog, but not a person, not a girl. A girl who wishes, hopes and inspires to do something monumental with her life. A girl with brown hair and green eyes, a big smile and a free spirit. A girl of many quirks and many dreams. A girl who feels like she is screaming and the words are falling out of her mouth and splatting on the pavement in front of her, soundlessly. I know I'm young, but I had so many plans for me by the time I was this age. I should have been graduating from university this year and headed off to massage college; I should have broke a world record by now. I want to go home. I want to go somewhere I can breathe fresh air, hear the birds sing, the insects buz, the water lapping on the sand. Feel the sun on my skin, smell campfire smoke, lay on my back in the grass and let its sweetness wash over me. I want to wake up every morning and have someone to hug, to walk outside in bare feet and let the coolness of the morning dew soak through my bones. The possibilities of this world are so beautiful. Why do people rush through it and force you along with them? Why can't they just let me be who I am? Why do people paint over the flaws of nature with their brushes of perfection in order to make themselves feel better? Why don't people smile more? Hug more? Dance more? Laugh more? Why are people afraid to love,? Why do we feel the need to squash others in order to make ourselves feel better? Why do we shut the people out that we care about the most? Our lives are much too short, we should enjoy them and we should help others around us enjoy theirs too. Why is there so much hate? Slow down, breathe the air, taste the coffee you drink, smell the supper you or your partner has cooked, feel the rain on your face, hear your friends laugh-just live and appreciate life for what it is. And yet, why is it not this simple? Why are there people who sweep you up and shove you along in front of them at a break neck speed, wrecklessly stuffing you and your feelings into little boxes, little boxes that they assume you fit. Why can't we all be a little less agressive and a little more loving, compassionate and considerate? Why can't we all start loving ourselves instead of thirsting for more money, clothes, fancier cell phones, bigger houses, cars...why can't we just love more?